There’s something that’s been on my mind for years. And lately I’ve thought enough about it to want to say something. I don’t know whether I will keep this blog post up, because I may feel like hiding how I feel again, but for now… I just want to talk about it.
You know people tend to care about friends, make them a huge part of their life, the friends you want to talk to and will easily start the conversation with first if you want to talk to them? I’m not that friend.
I’m ‘the filler friend’, you may say. Allow me to elaborate.
I’ve had lots of different groups of friends growing up and it’s not like each friend group has mutual friend groups with the other groups. Most are complete strangers to one another. But imagine when you’re in a conversation and you begin talking and have something you want to say and then someone will talk over you and people will suddenly turn their attention to them and not give a flying fruit as to what you were saying so you just quiet down. Or when it comes to a group of friends, there’s always someone in the back, who quite frankly almost has to jog to keep up with the others and be walking close enough to be involved. That’s the person I always have been. No matter who I’ve been friends with.
They ask why when I do talk, I’m loud, but it’s because I’m for once trying to be heard. I’m never the friend like “omg I wanna hang out with Jazz, I wonder what Jazz is up to?” Unless, of course, I have or am doing something they want. Like a free concert, or going somewhere good, or able to get free stuff. I’m just the friend that nobody truly gives a damn about.
It’s been this way for as long as I remember. When I was really young in primary school. I mean I would understand if I was an obviously boring person, but I’d like to think that I’m not? Like I have stories I can tell, I have opinions and similarities to all of those friends. But I’m not the one they genuinely feel interested in or want to start talking to first.
The past 7 or so years I’ve had some very unusual and wonderful opportunities thanks to my hobbies or career and sometimes they can be beneficial or interesting to others. People liked that and I thought it was a perfect way to make myself ‘the relevant friend’. But in all honesty? It just made me the ‘friend we need to be friends with because you never know, she could offer us something great’. And that seriously sucks.
I guess maybe this does play a big part in my low self esteem and why I lack so much confidence. Because no matter who I’m friends with, I will always be ‘that’ friend.
Recently, I became friends with someone and, for once, I wasn’t seen as that friend. They were genuinely interested in me and wanted to talk to me and we talked all the time and became really close and I finally felt like someone ACTUALLY liked me for me and wanted to be my friend. But sadly, all good things do come to an end and when things went wrong, I ended up losing that friendship. We’re hopefully trying to patch that up and starting again – at least that’s what I hope the outcome is because I found them as amazing and interesting and a great friend as they made out to think of me. Losing them had a huge impact on me and to live without them is a dreadfully painful thought. I hope we can patch things up and get to be the way we were because it was a friendship I valued so much and was so afraid to lose and then I did. And it broke me.
I’m sorry for this negative post. I just needed to let off some steam. I needed to be able to talk about it. Maybe someone out there will read this and relate to me. Or maybe I’m just writing a rambling rant and nobody will ever read it, but at least it’s off my chest.
While we’re on the topic of apologising, I’m sorry I haven’t been greatly active on here, either. But things should change soon. I have plans and ideas for what to post and hopefully they’ll be put into action soon. So catch you then.