Marriage and Kids Are Not My Life Goals – and That’s Okay
Reality TV star and social media influencer, Kylie Jenner, just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and the world is in awe. Though I’m not a fan of Kylie’s or her family, I watched the video she uploaded about her pregnancy and listened to how her friends said that this is something she’s wanted since she was 15. It reminded me of when I’d be in school and even right up to today, where girls would talk about marriage and having kids, looking at them as long term goals – but for me, that was never the case.
For so long, I felt so abnormal because practically every single one of my peers would dream about how this is what they wanted in life and I didn’t. I just couldn’t see it. My two friends once talked about how they each had picked out a colour scheme for their weddings – one was having baby blue and the other wanted lime green. It made me realise how little effort I’d put into ever thinking about my own wedding. Did I ever even want a wedding?
I was told by adults when I was a kid and a teen that my “feelings would change” as I got older and everyone says that. So I waited. And waited. And when I reached my 20s, I felt as though any day I’d be feeling those feelings where I’d be broody or I’d dream of being married. But I didn’t. Friends gave birth and I loved their kids, but it didn’t make me want one of my own.
The pressure I felt was immense. Seeking a relationship has never been the forefront of my thoughts – especially since I’ve been dealing with severe mental health disorders since I was a child – but since being a teenager, everyone has always been obsessing over relationships, crushes, etc. and I felt odd. I felt left out. I felt as though I had to be like them but the truth was I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship. Sure, I had one or two crushes, but I never saw anything really happen with them. I often get told to download Tinder or join some activity of some kind because “maybe I’ll find a nice man” and the thought of it just really puts me in a down mood. Am I really that abnormal?
It’s taken me about a year or two to come to the terms with marriage and having kids are not my main goal in life. They just aren’t. It’s not that I have anything against any of it or hate kids, but it’s just not my focus.
I’ve been in love with writing for as long as I can remember and when I discovered pop culture writing, I soon crafted a dream. A dream of becoming a successful journalist who got to attend all the events, get interviews that really captured the musicians and actors in a different light, be able to just throw myself into my work and fall in love with it. I never once pictured marriage and pregnancy in this dream.
When I became a blogger, I joined different blogging communities and read a lot about travel from bloggers and I caught the wanderlust bug. I thought about a possible second dream about being a blogger who travels. I don’t have a set dream as such now I’ve had experience in pop culture journalism – it’s still something I’m passionate about, but I know it’s something that doesn’t have to be set in stone. Other things have fascinated me and I’m still indecisive on the path I follow.
Another crucial point into this is the fact that I missed out a lot for years because of my ill health and I still feel so far behind compared to my peers. There’s a lot I missed out on my teenage years which I feel will take up a good part of my 20s and maturing more. I’m still dealing with my ill health and it limits me from being an independent person. I can barely look after myself to the full extent so to have other people to be responsible for would definitely make me deteriorate.
I know this isn’t just something I feel, either. So many women are in my shoes here and there is a stereotype attached to us that we should create life and be a wife to a man, but why? Is that all life is meant to be? Find “the one”, procreate and then repeat? I, or any other women, do not owe society or the world children or a picture perfect relationship to please relatives and friends. It’s not the only thing we are capable of and we shouldn’t be expect to stick to that. Getting married or having kids doesn’t make a person whole. I don’t need a man to validate me. I make myself happy, I am learning to love myself and while love isn’t something I’ll disregard, it’s not something I will spend my life searching for. I couldn’t agree more with the quote “I may be alone, but I am not lonely” and think more people need to remember it.
Having said all of this, if I end up getting married and having kids, then that’s fine. It’s not that I’m against it, but it’s not what I want my main goal in life to be. At least not right now. There are so many amazing mothers and wives out there but if women don’t want this to be their lifestyle, they shouldn’t have to be pressured into it. There are so many successful women out there who are living the best lives and they don’t have a husband or offspring in sight. It doesn’t make them less of a woman and it doesn’t mean they haven’t succeeded in life.
What is your main goal in life? Does it involve marriage or kids?